tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize