she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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