Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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