It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
