what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm sobbing to NWA
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
