I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
