You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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