you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
