Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I think my moral compass just broke
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