Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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