the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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