i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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