i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
