There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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