Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
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Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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