the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
