Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So here I am, sexting at work.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
