My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize