Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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