he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
