Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
