My first STD was from a foam party
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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