I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
