Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
