I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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