We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you had me at cake vodka
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
