you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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