and you said cock pushups were impossible
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
