Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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