Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
