it hurts more in the daytime
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Your penis caused this!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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