I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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