Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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