you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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