I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
