i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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