I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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