you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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