i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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