The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
