just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
