I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
