making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
