fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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