the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
