her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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