There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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