Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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