my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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