take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
