Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
