oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
