I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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