I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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