I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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