no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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