can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
