i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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